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3 Blocks to Love{Introduction}

We all want love but sometimes, even if we are in the infatuation of a new relationship or in a marriage of many years, we have barriers to experiencing the love we desire and deserve. 

Trauma creates a barrier story and you begin to tell yourself that the stories that you were told about yourself or how you were treated were valid and identifying. This might be childhood stories or stories of a toxic adult relationship; often it is a bit of both.

You experience labels in these stories, and those labels might be shining and complimentary or they might be limiting and cause you distress. If you experienced both, you might end up confused or living a roller coaster life.

Sometimes you might not remember much and feel like you have no story; but having no story is a story. The story might be "I am invisible" or "no one cares". 

I'm not sharing this to bring you down but to illuminate you that these stories are just that; stories. You are much more than the way you were treated.

Let's look at three blocks to love that might be stemming from these fictional stories.

3 Blocks to Love {Block 1}

When you have stories created stemming from neglect or trauma, you are placed as a character, often a villain in these stories. Maybe you were the bad child, the dumb wife, the loser husband, the useless teenager. So, you were probably isolated a bit and also, you had to self-protect and that created isolation as well. 

You might have had alone time or you might have been the life of the party, often; but you always felt lonely. Emotionally disconnected.

Isolation is trauma; so you've probably had layers of trauma without realizing it. We are wired for connection and to be denied safe connection is to be denied a human right.

3 Blocks to Love {Block 2}

If you were not able to make safe connections because the people around you; parents, extended family or friends or romantic partners, were neglectful or abusive, you were learning that connection in general is not safe.

You need a predicable safe connection and that offers you a safe haven in the world.

Without that safety you might think that you are naturally anxious or naturally a loner, when you are simply responding to the abuse, neglect and instability of others.

3 Blocks to Love {Block 3}

If you never had a truly safe haven, you might not even know what it looks like. Since you are comfortable with what you know, you might overlook these elements as positive. 

They are:

Accessibility

Responsiveness

Engagement

A loving family as a child gave you attention (accessibility) and responsiveness (they cared for you) and they engaged with you (you were valued). What you were taught and become comfortable with probably became a pattern, unless you were able to self-correct, and sometimes that can happen. Often though, there are remaining threads of the past pain that stay woven into your psyche.

Reversing the Blocks

You can reverse the blocks by working with a therapist who understand that dance of trauma and relationships but you can also dive into some self-help. Addressing that you deserve to be seen and heard, that you deserve connection and that you deserve safety are first steps. Practicing mindfulness and understanding suffering and transformation are key elements in this healing path.

I always say that the path is muddy in healing; that doesn't mean you are going to dislike it. I believe we all have to learn to not be hard on ourselves and to engage in life- because that was taken away with trauma or neglect.

Walking the muddy path is nourishing and if you imagine it for a moment, you can imagine the sounds and sights of a wildflowers and tree-lined path, with dew drops catching sunlight. These are beautiful moments to embrace in the healing journey. 

Love is on the other side of pain.

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