Are you conditioned to be poor?
A childhood wound can be from trauma, stress, vicarious trauma or conflict.
When we have these wounds, we might experience a sense of impending doom, or heightened anxiety, depressive moods, a feeling that we have no purpose or a sense that if we could just be more (in love, skinnier, richer, etc) we would be that much more happy.
In some way, we were violated.
With misfortune, we are not always seen for who we are when we suffer. We build walls, we have coping strategies. Weight may pile on our bones or shed from our frame; it’s moot. The money may fill our bank account or may escape our wallets, again, it’s moot. Moot because there’s fluctuations and we can’t seem to find a balance. We are so used to chasing something or wanting to be something else because we were violated either by a trauma or crisis as outlined above, that we lose ourselves and sink into perpetual costume-wearing.
This costume might come in the way of bargain shopping for designer purses or driving a car that you can’t afford, being house-poor (having not much money after expenses) or keeping up with expensive nail and hair upkeep to look like “everyone else” you deem important in your circle.
If I’ve struck a cord in you; do not be offended, read on.
Imagine the moments before a purchase
I invite you to imagine the moments before your last purchase that you really could not afford.
Maybe you could afford it fiscally but perhaps you bought a sweater that you really did not have room for in your closet, or it was very similar to one you already owned. In some way, the purchase was something you could not afford either fiscally, emotionally, spatially or it went against your wellness and health.
Now think of words you might have felt right before or after that purchase.
Maybe you were numb and the list below will be the first trigger that you might have felt these feelings.
- Deserving after sacrifice
What these feelings might mean
Often when we feel an uncomfortable emotion, even the last one mentioned which people get confused about, (I’ll explain in a moment), they are actually in a trigger; a trigger often brings forth a behavior. This is why someone will yell or have an outburst and say “I was triggered, that’s why I did it” or warn someone “don’t trigger me”. I am not supporting that someone should act out with a trigger, but it happens. I’m of the mindset that a trigger should be met with compassion and addressed, not enabled to grow into its own toxicity.
All of the emotions above plus more, are common fuel for a trigger that does not serve us purpose, such as overspending.
The one that is most confusing is the treat/deserve from sacrifice trigger. These are often born from an idea of deprivation.
As example. You might have lost weight because you spent months dieting and exercising, but you were not getting to the root of why you were overweight or out of shape barring the most elementary and superficial reasons; so you are still living in deprivation. People in deprivation mode might over-eat or, overspend. The two often go hand-in-hand.
When you “Treat” yourself or feel you deserve something akin to a gift, because of your sacrifice for a weeks or months, it is a subtle message that you are weak and need a prize for accomplishment, that the accomplishment is not enough. This weakens the journey that you just traveled per your goal. This weak journey is one that is cobbled with self-doubt and lower self-esteem versus the person who knows why they were overweight and addresses the root cause and does not feel the need to gift themselves a trophy for winning at a goal. For them, it is a given, and they derive confidence and strength from the journey, not the prize.
Nonbeing versus being
When we are in these states we are in nonbeing states.
Negative experiences or feelings are the foundation of all of the (and more) feelings mentioned in the previous bulleted list.
Imagine a triangle or mountain.
At the tip, we have the nonbeing as a word, maybe it feels abstract to you even.
Under that, are three layers; feeling abandoned, feeling powerless and feeling worthless.
Under that row, the foundation are the feelings in that bulleted list.
Now, under that, under the foundation, deep in the ground, are where the behaviors reside. These behaviors might be positive or, they might be overspending, overeating, diet compulsion, sex addiction, or any number of sabotaging behaviors.
It’s not as easy to change something that is under the earth; it has to surface, but sometimes we can simply change the foundation layers, which are actually a mid-level layer, and as we feel more worthy or loved or comfortable in the life we have, we feel less abandonment, more powerful and more valued.
Now, we begin to be in a state of being.
The state of being is like lava that trickles down to the mountain, and permeates the earth; the behaviors or triggers now are healthier and the results are happier and more joyous. You might not feel elation every day but you can sense gratitude and feel a level of being content.
So, when we are conditioned from childhood to not see our best selves or to be our best selves, we run the risk of nonbeing and nonbeing feelings and behaviors; this is a situation not a destiny.
Small changes wield large results.